Heart Gone Through Hell
by BigTimeRush-BTR
Summary: "I couldn't help myself, let this heart go through hell. There's only so much a heart can take..." There was only so much hurt he could take before he finally slipped off the edge.


**Wow… I just typed this up for no reason at all. I wanted some Kendall angst for some reason, and this is what my mind came up with. Just a little warning; this contains suicide content.**

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Many people saw him as strong, level-headed, lively, and fearless. And yes, he had been strong. He had been level-headed. He had been lively. And he had once been scared of nothing at all. But that had been a long time ago. So long ago that he barely remembered those times. As much as he wanted to, he simply couldn't. Because the more he thought about the past, the more he hurt.

His past had always consisted of being with the ones he loved. His family was a big part of his life. His father had been like a role model when growing up –before he passed away anyway. His mother had always been a big part of his life. She encouraged him and led him in the right direction when he got lost. And his little sister, Katie, had been the one to pull him out of the rabbit's hole and urged him to follow his dreams, no matter how silly and absurd they may have sounded.

Then there were his three best friends who went by the names of James, Carlos and Logan. They each had something to share with him. They were older than him, but it seemed like he had always been the leader of their little group, no matter how much younger he had been. He had always been the one to come up with the schemes and to get them out of trouble.

James had been extremely close to him in a way. Maybe it had been because he was the second youngest out of the group, or maybe it was because of some other unknown reason. But they had always been close. James had always been there for him, much like the others.

Carlos had always managed to make him smile, no matter how tough his day had gone. He was the oldest, yet somehow, the most immature and irresponsible. However, he protected him from all the dangers of life and shared secrets with him, only they knew. Despite his immaturity, Carlos was wise and knew what to say when the youngest had needed advice or comfort.

Now, Logan had been the one to always be there for him. They were inseparable as little kids as well as teenagers. He and Logan had always shared a bond no one could quite describe. Some thought it was because they had both lost a parent at a very young age. They had both been forced to grow up as small children. Their childhood had been forgotten so they could look after their remaining family members. That may have been the reason to why they had grown so close.

Logan had understood Kendall in a way no one else could. The brunette had known every little flaw, secret and insecurity the younger held hidden for no one else to see. He had seen him break in his toughest times. He had been there to hold and comfort him in those times. And it had been Kendall's own pain that had led him to be blind to that pain hidden behind those chocolate brown orbs.

And now, he was forced to blame himself for something he knew he could have prevented. If only he had not been so selfish and had actually thought of others before himself. But it was too late for that, because now his childhood friend was gone, and no mourning or apologies would ever bring him back.

He couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that Logan Mitchell had taken his own life. He couldn't believe someone so young and innocent had been forced to kill himself in order to get rid of the burden he was carrying on his back.

Then again, there were a lot of things he didn't understand. Like he didn't understand why his father had died when he was only eight years old. He didn't understand why his own mother and sister had given up on him. And he sure as hell didn't understand why his best friends had turned their backs on him when they realized he had been harming himself.

But he did understand why he was now sitting on the edge of a very tall building in the great city of Los Angeles, looking down at the buzzing of cars and people on the city below him. He understood it perfectly. There was only so much a heart could take before it burst from so much grieve.

He was on the edge of breaking apart. At first he had needed his loved ones to cope with the pain of losing one of the most important people in his life.

But where were they now when he needed them the most?

Some would say he had gone insane. That he was suicidal. That he needed to get help because there were people who could help him to recover from such a tragedy. But he didn't want that help. He knew no amount of comfort could mend his shattered heart. If there was one person that could help him at a time like this, it was Logan Mitchell himself.

But Logan was dead. He wasn't coming back.

The stars above him seemed to shine brightly. Looking up at them somehow brought a tiny smile to tug at his lips. He wondered if one of the stars shining above was Logan, looking down at him from the heavens.

And it suddenly hit him that Logan loved him as a brother, and it would hurt him greatly to see something as terrifying as Kendall trying to take his own life. He would be disappointed to say the least. He would never forgive him for such an action. But Logan had taken his own life, and Kendall had forgiven him. But only because he now understood what true pain felt like.

"I hope you can forgive me for this, Logie. I know you will. You always do," he whispered as the chilly fall wind blew against his slender form, pushing him back as if trying to warn him of the great mistake he was about to commit. "You know I have to do this, Loges. I can't take the pain anymore. I need you."

He swung his legs from side to side, biting his bottom lip as he did so. He had once heard from a teacher that if someone fell from a great height, they would not feel any pain when they landed on the ground, because by the time they fell they would already be dead.

Tears blurred his vision at the thought of death. He wanted to die, but at the same time, he wanted to live. But there was nothing to live up for. It was his time to go, and he knew it well.

"I'm gonna do it now, okay, Logan? I hope to see you soon. And I hope this really doesn't hurt. I'm a coward when it comes to pain… I love you, buddy. See ya soon." And at that he took his last breath, blinked for the last time, and pushed himself forward. And finally, let the darkness take him by the hand.

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**I should really stop killing Kendall. I don't like doing it, but I really love writing angst, especially when it involves Kendall. But this really… I don't know. I don't like the fact that I killed him yet again. But oh well. This is not the last time I'll kill him. I can assure you guys of that.**

**So, thoughts?**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


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